Essentially. The science isn't quite the same, but I'm from an aritificial story, one meant to be observed. Everything about me -- my memories, my habits, my failures -- all of it was put together in order to make the whole thing more entertaining. I was the one who summoned a demon, who was tricked into building a portal that nearly ended the world, and all of my plans failed so that my brother Stan had to be the one to sacrifice himself.
The Barge pulled me out right at the end, when I thought everything was done. Bill was gone, the kids were safe, and I was ready to spend the rest of my life making things up to Stanley. I didn't know it was about to be over, and that I wouldn't get that chance. Not until I came here.
Homeworld is full of Gems who are created
knowing exactly what their stories are meant to be, but Earth is full of
Gems who decided to be something more. Pearl was designed to serve, but
that's not what she is now, and it hasn't been for thousands of years.
Sapphire was designed to spend her whole existence telling Blue Diamond how
to direct her armies, but now she's half of the fusion who's leading the
rebellion. Amythest is more than a soldier. I'm more than a
coloniser.
And you're going to be more and better than what
you were designed to be, just as soon as you stop believing that
your design is your destiny.
I've tried, Rose. But no matter what I do, my work doesn't turn out the way I mean it to. I just stir up trouble, get everybody up in arms, and then turn out to have been wrong about the whole thing anyway.
We captured a fully powered alternate Bill nearly two years ago in the Bargeyard. That took a bunch of people's help, and I died a lot in the process, but he still escaped and went back to his Barge.
When I tried to get to the Authority's dimension, my failsafes didn't work the way I thought they would, and I almost broke the ship.
And this time, after getting a dozen people to agree to wear watches for six months, I failed to get any usable data, and the Admiral finally gave a statement elaborating on how I misread the data, but only after multiple people took their anger out on the ship's books!
Is it really giving up to finally admit that all you do is upset and endanger the people you care about?
You don't have to give up because of that! You can
still change. You can change what you do or how you do it or what you
expect to get out of it, Ford. But that's not the same as just not trying
to achieve anything anymore.
I was made up so that people could watch my life. My hands and feet are mutated. I've enchanted myself to bleed hydrogen to protect myself from blood magic. And I don't understand so many basic things that humans take for granted. Iris said I was inhuman, when I tried to reach the Authority's dimension. Called me someone with no normal human empathy.
And she was right. I don't understand people. Not well enough to know how not to hurt them, even when that's precisely what I'm trying not to do.
There are so many things about normal people that they all understand naturally, but I don't even think about until it's too late. I didn't realize that you can't always control your fears. Or that some people might want to stay on the ship, even though it's exploiting them. Or that some people might see my research and try to burn down the library for attention.
If it had just been her saying it, it would be easier to brush off. But a lot of people have been saying it. That it wasn't his fault, that it wasn't a case of hubris coming back to bite him, that this isn't just cause and effect that he should have accounted for.]
I was expecting people to think so.
I'm astonished no one's blamed me for the library yet. I was sure they would.
[He drags his hands over his face. People are weird. He doesn't understand them, he can't predict them, and he certainly can't keep them safe if he's going to tell them upsetting things.]
Let me ask you something. I really want to know.
Would you rather hear about something I've found, that I think is true but might be wrong, which may upset people enough that they lash out at the ship, or would you prefer that I didn't look for those things, or kept it to myself, and those bad reactions didn't happen?
You're the one who can't leave, not me. That means the potential danger to you is worse. Is it worth the risk? As an inmate.
But you can give me your opinion. You won't be the only one I ask. I know not everybody is going to agree. Some people won't think it's worth it. But I thought no one would want me to continue after this. After everything. I wasn't listening again -- I was thinking I already knew what was best, which is what keeps getting me into situations like this in the first place.
I want to listen to what you want. How do you want me to help you?
I want to make a difference in the lives of people caught on this ship. Help them, but in the ways they actually want to be helped, not the ways I think they'll want.
...I also want to get my family out of Gravity Falls, but that's much less interpersonally complicated and I can work on it at the same time.
A few people have asked me to keep looking. To keep trying, even if it fails. I can't promise that I'll ever get anything usable, or that it won't ever go wrong, but they know that, and they asked me anyway.
It sounded earlier like you didn't want me to give up either. And...do you want me to keep acting as your warden? Even though I have no idea how to do it?
Eh, it's kind of a gray area. I remember learning a lot of things, but I was created to know whatever I needed to know to move the story along.
Maybe that's why not knowing is so hard.
Still, there are plenty of more experienced wardens out there. I won't make you stay in a situation you don't want to be in. If you ever want me to go to the Admiral and ask him to unpair us, just say the word.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2020-03-10 09:32 pm (UTC)The Barge pulled me out right at the end, when I thought everything was done. Bill was gone, the kids were safe, and I was ready to spend the rest of my life making things up to Stanley. I didn't know it was about to be over, and that I wouldn't get that chance. Not until I came here.
no subject
Date: 2020-03-10 09:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-03-10 09:44 pm (UTC)It's just...who I am.
no subject
Date: 2020-03-10 10:10 pm (UTC)But it isn't!
Homeworld is full of Gems who are created knowing exactly what their stories are meant to be, but Earth is full of Gems who decided to be something more. Pearl was designed to serve, but that's not what she is now, and it hasn't been for thousands of years. Sapphire was designed to spend her whole existence telling Blue Diamond how to direct her armies, but now she's half of the fusion who's leading the rebellion. Amythest is more than a soldier. I'm more than a coloniser.
And you're going to be more and better than what you were designed to be, just as soon as you stop believing that your design is your destiny.
no subject
Date: 2020-03-10 11:40 pm (UTC)We captured a fully powered alternate Bill nearly two years ago in the Bargeyard. That took a bunch of people's help, and I died a lot in the process, but he still escaped and went back to his Barge.
When I tried to get to the Authority's dimension, my failsafes didn't work the way I thought they would, and I almost broke the ship.
And this time, after getting a dozen people to agree to wear watches for six months, I failed to get any usable data, and the Admiral finally gave a statement elaborating on how I misread the data, but only after multiple people took their anger out on the ship's books!
Is it really giving up to finally admit that all you do is upset and endanger the people you care about?
no subject
Date: 2020-03-10 11:50 pm (UTC)You don't have to give up because of that! You can still change. You can change what you do or how you do it or what you expect to get out of it, Ford. But that's not the same as just not trying to achieve anything anymore.
no subject
Date: 2020-03-11 08:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-03-11 09:04 pm (UTC)No. You might think you know the future, but you can't. You're human.
no subject
Date: 2020-03-11 09:29 pm (UTC)I was made up so that people could watch my life. My hands and feet are mutated. I've enchanted myself to bleed hydrogen to protect myself from blood magic. And I don't understand so many basic things that humans take for granted. Iris said I was inhuman, when I tried to reach the Authority's dimension. Called me someone with no normal human empathy.
And she was right. I don't understand people. Not well enough to know how not to hurt them, even when that's precisely what I'm trying not to do.
no subject
Date: 2020-03-11 09:34 pm (UTC)But you're paralyzed just by the fear that you might hurt someone if you do anything. Someone with no empathy wouldn't even care.
pretend the element he bleeds up there was written "helium," I always forget. also cw burning ment
Date: 2020-03-12 04:01 pm (UTC)There are so many things about normal people that they all understand naturally, but I don't even think about until it's too late. I didn't realize that you can't always control your fears. Or that some people might want to stay on the ship, even though it's exploiting them. Or that some people might see my research and try to burn down the library for attention.
no subject
Date: 2020-03-12 04:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-03-12 04:33 pm (UTC)If it had just been her saying it, it would be easier to brush off. But a lot of people have been saying it. That it wasn't his fault, that it wasn't a case of hubris coming back to bite him, that this isn't just cause and effect that he should have accounted for.]
I was expecting people to think so.
I'm astonished no one's blamed me for the library yet. I was sure they would.
no subject
Date: 2020-03-12 04:34 pm (UTC)Of course they didn't!!! You didn't do anything to the library!!!
no subject
Date: 2020-03-12 04:48 pm (UTC)Let me ask you something. I really want to know.
Would you rather hear about something I've found, that I think is true but might be wrong, which may upset people enough that they lash out at the ship, or would you prefer that I didn't look for those things, or kept it to myself, and those bad reactions didn't happen?
You're the one who can't leave, not me. That means the potential danger to you is worse. Is it worth the risk? As an inmate.
no subject
Date: 2020-03-12 04:53 pm (UTC)[For a while there's no response. Then:]
I can't make that decision for you.
no subject
Date: 2020-03-12 05:06 pm (UTC)I want to listen to what you want. How do you want me to help you?
no subject
Date: 2020-03-12 05:14 pm (UTC)[...]
Why are you asking me? If I made good choices I wouldn't be an inmate. That's how this works, right?
no subject
Date: 2020-03-12 05:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-03-12 05:23 pm (UTC)Right.
So what do you want?
no subject
Date: 2020-03-12 05:29 pm (UTC)I want to make a difference in the lives of people caught on this ship. Help them, but in the ways they actually want to be helped, not the ways I think they'll want.
...I also want to get my family out of Gravity Falls, but that's much less interpersonally complicated and I can work on it at the same time.
no subject
Date: 2020-03-12 05:30 pm (UTC)So why not just ask people what they want and work on those things with them?
no subject
Date: 2020-03-12 05:51 pm (UTC)A few people have asked me to keep looking. To keep trying, even if it fails. I can't promise that I'll ever get anything usable, or that it won't ever go wrong, but they know that, and they asked me anyway.
It sounded earlier like you didn't want me to give up either. And...do you want me to keep acting as your warden? Even though I have no idea how to do it?
no subject
Date: 2020-03-12 05:53 pm (UTC)Don't be silly, Ford. You're a human being. You don't know how to do anything until you've had a real chance to do it.
no subject
Date: 2020-03-12 05:59 pm (UTC)Maybe that's why not knowing is so hard.
Still, there are plenty of more experienced wardens out there. I won't make you stay in a situation you don't want to be in. If you ever want me to go to the Admiral and ask him to unpair us, just say the word.
(no subject)
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